101 Ways to Bug the Colonel
by Willow's Lie
Summary: After a giant argument, Roy and Co. get into a bet: can they find 101 ways to annoy the hell out of him? Of course! Chaos ensues. Story is under construction to fix up the crap I wrote a long time ago, so there won't be an update any time soon! Sorry!
1. Prologue

**101 Ways To Bug the Colonel**

**Prologue**

Roy Mustang glared at his subordinates from behind his desk. Edward Elric Glared back, fuming. Lt. Colonel Maes Hughes raised his eyebrow, smirking. 1st Lt. Riza Hawkeye was putting together a gun. 2nd Lt. Jean Havoc yawned. Alphonse Elric looked around the room, a nervous look on his face. Lt. Heymans Breda bit into his hotdog. And Master Seargent Kain Fuery was petting Riza's dog, Black Hayate.

"I DON'T understand why you people continue to bug me!" Mustang said, annoyed.

"Because your _you," _Hughes said.

"Because it's the only way to keep you in line, sir." Hawkeye said, not taking her eyes off her work.

"Um..." Al began to say. "BECAUSE MY BROTHER IS A HORRIBLE ROLE MODEL!!" The younger Elric shrieked before he burst into tears and ran out of the room. Ed's face grew red with anger.

"No!! I'm a perfect role model! I mean.. A perfectly TALL role model! I'M NOT SHORT!! YOUR ALL GIANTS! ARRRGH!" And that was Ed's rant before he stormed out of the office. The other members of the group blinked and slowly turned their heads to face the door. After what seemed like an eternity, Edward walked back into the room and calmly got back into his seat. His subordinates followed their heads with Ed until he sat in his chair. Edward sighed.

"Why do I continue to bug you?" Ed followed up on Mustangs question. "Simple. Because your an arrogant power abusing Colonel with a God Complex that won't get any work done without having Hawkeye threaten him with a gun!"

"Yeah, what he said!" Havoc, Falman, Breda, and Fuery agreed.

"But mostly because..." Hughes started to say.

"It's Way to easy to do, and way to much fun to stop." Everyone said in unison. Mustang rolled his eyes.

"Psh. Yeah, right. Everyone knows I'm a calm, cool, and sophisticated guy." Everyone but Roy and Riza bust out laughing.

Edward wiped a tear from his eye and looked up at the Colonel. "Y-you were SERIOUS?!" he asked, stunned. "You are so totally Not 'calm, cool, and Sophisticated'! You're Crazy and... Well, CRAZY!!"

"He's right, sir. Their really should be a story called '101 Ways to Bug the Colonel.'" Havoc said.

"That's it!" Mustang Declared.

"Whats what?"

"You have to find 101 ways to bug me, or else I win!" Roy explained.

"Oh, you're on Pretty Boy!" Ed said. Maes's face turned into a goofy grin.

"Speaking of pretty, here's some pictures of Elysia! She's turning 5 in 8 months!" Everyone groaned. It was going to be a LONG year.


	2. A Meeting to Remember

**101 Ways To Bug the Colonel**

Ch.1

Colonel Mustang sang to himself in the shower. He was in a good mood about the meeting today at 4 pm. Little did he know that all his hopes and dreams about miniskirts end today.

Maes Hughes Lifted the camera to his eye. "This certainly will be the talk of Central City for Years and Years to come._ Click!_

All of the State Alchemists gathered into the room. Roy found Ed, grinning evily, in the corner.

"What are you up too?" The Colonel asked suspiciously. Ed just nodded towards the center of the room.

"Alright everybody. Today is a very important meeting. I want all of you to pay close attention to what appears on the screen. Roll the film!" The Fuhrer announced. the Alchemists gasped at the image that came next, all except for Ed, who fell out of his seat laughing. There, on the screen, was a picture Of Colonel Roy Mustang, taking a shower from earlier that day.

**Hee, hee. I should have warned you. MWA HA HA HA!! Press the reply button. Go ahead press it. You know you _waaant tooooo!_**


	3. When ya going to ask Hawkeye out?

**101 Ways To Bug the Colonel**

**Challenge 2**

Edward Elric walked into Roy Mustang's office. Mustang looked up from his desk.

"What are you doing here, Fullmetal?" he asked. Ed shrugged.

"No particular reason." Edward said. Mustang rolled his eyes.

"Or it's your turn to bug me."

"Now your catching on!" Mustang turned around to neaten up his desk. "Where is Hawkeye, then?" Ed just smirked and ignored the question.

"Come to think of it, you haven't asked Hawkeye out yet, have you?" The Fullmetal Alchemist asked. Roy froze.

"What do you mean, Ed?"

"I mean, when are you going to ask Hawkeye out?"

"I have a girlfriend!"

"That doesn't answer my question!!"

"Like heck it does!! I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND!!"

"I'm serious! When are you?!" Just then, the phone rang.

"Hello?" Mustang said into the speaker.

"Hello colonel! This is President Fuhrer Bradley!"

"P-President sir-"

"Yes, I am the President! Not anyone else faking my voice! The REAL President, yeppers! So don't get any ideas, 'cause I'm the real one!"

"Mister President?"

"I just wanted to know, Have you asked Ms. Hawkeye out yet?" And with that, the Colonel hung up, and stormed angrily out of the office.

Ed met up with Breda later on.

"Yo, Fullmetal. How did I sound?"

"Perfect! Boy, did it fool him!"

**Well, that didn't bug him as much as the last one, but it worked! .**

**Press the review button, or I won't kill the Easter Bunny!**


	4. Did you order the Pizzas?

**101 Ways To Bug the Colonel**

**Welcome to Pizza palace, May I take your order?**

_Fuery picked up the phone._

_'C'mon, you can do it..' he thought. Kain dialed the number._

_"Hello, welcome to Pizza Palace, how may I take your order?' said a voice from the phone._

_"Yeah, I'd like to order 73 pepperoni and sausage pizzas with black olives, banana peppers, pinnapple, bacon, and anchovies for extras. Oh yeah! Can I get 24 2 liters of Pepsi?"_

Mustang groaned as he sat down in his chair.

"Did your meeting go well, sir?" Hughes asked, playfully. The Colonel just glared at him. Riza looked up from her work.

"Sir, you really should start on that paperwork," she reminded him. Roy sighed.

"C'mon, Lieutenet! It's been a hard day, and I'm really hungry. Do I have to?" Riza's silence answered his question. Before he could get to work on his papers, there was a knock at the door.

"Did you order the pizzas?" The delivery man asked. Mustang looked confused.

"No..."

"You Roy Mustang, right?"

"That is correct.."

"Then take the friggin' pizzas! You ordered them!"

"No I did not!"

"It says so right here, dude!" Mustang rolled his eyes.

"Fine, I'll take the stupid pizzas!" The delivery man thought for a second.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, a few pizzas are good. I'm hungry." The pizza guy looked at him confused. _A few?! Wait a sec..._

"You didn't order athe pizzas right?"

"I told ya that.."

"Then are you sure-"

"Yes, I'm sure! It's getting pretty annoying to be arguing with an immature Pizza Guy who thinks he's smarter then me, you know?"

_Man, he's an idiot... _"Ok, you know what? I'm not going to argue with some stupid whack-job who's buying pizzas he didn't order. You know what, dude? I don't friggin' care anymore. Take the pizzas and here's your bill." The delivery man said as he handed the bill and the pizzas to him and stormed off.

"Two thousand, twenty three..." Mustang read the paper. "WHAT THE HECK?!"

** Oh boy! Mustang's goin' broke!! You go delivery dude! :D**


	5. Envy!

**101 Ways to Bug the Colonel**

**Challenge 4**

_"No!!" Edward Elric protested._

_"C'mon, Fullmetal! We need you to!" Lt. Breda begged him. The Blonde Alchemist was fuming, his arms crossed._

_"I will not!!" he still argued._

_"You have no choice. If you want to win this stupid challenge, you'd do it."_

_"Well, not now!!" _

_"You'll need to do it by noon, man." Breda said and left the room._

**Full Metal Alchemist!**

Edward groaned. The clock read 11:45 AM. He cautiously picked up the phone. Ed dialed the number, regretting it when the person answered.

"Who are you? What do you want? If this is some frickin' prank call, I swear, I'll hunt you down, and kill you in your sl-" The voice purred angrily.

"Yeah, hello Envy. I gotta ask you a favor-"

"Who the heck is this?! How do you know who I am?!"

Edward sighed. "I-It's Ed." there was a pause on the other line.

"...Why are you calling me?" Envy asked suspiciously. "If you really wanted a pizza, shortie, I heard there was a great place down the-"

"I don't want a pizz-" Ed stopped mid sentence. "I mean.. WHO YA CALLIN SHORT?! I'LL TELL YA SOMETHIN MISTER!! I DON"T CARE ABOUT SELFISH PSYCHO PATHIC MURDERS!! AND THE TIME I'LL BE SHORT, YOU'LL BE SANE!!" he screamed.

"WHA?! I'm sane! Completely sane! Yep, totally sane! Woo Woo Wow HOP!! See? I'M SANE!! Besides, your the one who has a problem!!"

"Oh, I have a problem, now?!" And they jabberred on in their argument, causing onlookers to stare.

**Full Metal Alchemist!**

Envy slouched as he sat down in the car.

"I can't believe you talked me into this!" He said. Ed smirked.

"Look, It's not my fault your a coffeeholic."

**Full Metal Alchemist!**

"I can't believe you talked me into this!" Lt. Havoc complained.

"It's not my fault your a girlaholic!" Breda protested. Havoc nearly fainted as the sin curled up near his side.

"Just play along nicely so we can ALL get what we want." He purred, causing the poor Leuteniet to gulp. Envy then turned into the beautiful Susan Cross, also known as, The Colonel's Girlfriend.

**Full Metal Alchemist!**

The Colonel yawned. 'saturday'... he thought. Mustang went o check the mail. There inside it. Below every thing else... was... in the corner... was... A Picture of his beloved Susan curled up against his subordinate, Jean Havoc.

** Oh, yea! remember to reply people!! This time I'll kill Santa!**


	6. Water Balloons and Super Soakers

**Chapter 6!**

_"This is the last option we have! Our imaginations have been crushed. And no extremely wicked plans have come to mind. So, we go by the book! This may be the most boring and overly used plan EVER. I am disappointed in you all." Ed glared at the people standing in front of him. "I mean, it's not even sick OR twisted!! But it's our last resort."_

_ "Remeber, me, Breda, Riza, and Hughes attack from outside, Al, Fuery, and Havoc take care of the office, got it?" Ed reminded them. The group nodded and ran off to their places._

**FMA!!**

Mustang walked outside and hummed to himself. It's been MONTHS since his opponents last attack, why worry now? A broad smile on his face, Roy was completely oblivious to the terrible, unimaginative plan. Little did he know that there was 3 stations just outside, waiting for him.

Roy walked past a bush. There was a rustle of leaves. The Colonel whirled around. There was no one in sight. Something hit him in the back of the head. Another hit his back. Water drenched the spots that had been hit.

"What the-?!" Mustang turned on his heel to see 2 figures wearing ski masks, both holding water ballons.

"YAAAAA!!!!" The short one screamed and they both started hurling the ballons at the Flame Alchemist at rapid speads, chasing him down the road. Mustang ran as fast as he could. After a while the attack stopped (they ran out of ballons), and the two ran off.

"PUNKS!" Roy screamed at them, and stormed down the street, only to meet another fate from a tree. Soon again he was being chased by Hawkeye and Breda, both holding Super Soakers. Mustang tripped and fell. He looked up to see an angry Black Hayate, barring it's teeth at him and growling.

"Aw, frickin..."

**FMA!!**

The colonel trudged into his office, his clothes in shreds. He froze in horror. His place had been trashed with ink squirted everywhere, bits of shredded paper work, and pictures of Elisia and pictures of... Mustang gulped.

"NO!! NOT THE CLOWNS!! ANYTHING BUT THE CLOWNS!!!

**FMA!!**

** I know, this sucked, but I've been having some writers block lately. Sorry for the LONG UPDATE.**


	7. Singing, elevator music

**Ok, I'm sorry about how suckish the last chapter was... So I'm trying to make this A LOT better. For anyone who suggested Singing... I'm using your Idea for this chapter!! Also, Note For anyone who gave/will give suggestions: First of all, don't make them to vague. I need to write an entire chapter about it people! Plus, I'm saving some of them for later chapters (like the party theme. Got it already planned out. Will use in later chapters!!) THANK YOU!!**

101 Ways To Bug the Colonel

Elevator Music, Singing Subordinates, And Michael Jackson!

**FMA!!**

_"Ok everyone! In unison!" Alphonse Elric ordered. "Oops! I did it again..."_

**FMA!!**

There was a knock at the door. Mustang walked over and opened it. "We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas and a happy New year!" The group outside chorused. The Colonel groaned and closed the door on their faces. Literally!

_Knock, knock!!_

"Jingle bells, jingle bells-"

"It's not Christmas, you imbeciles!" Mustang yelled and SLAM!! He shut the door.

Knock, knock!!

"I had a little dreidle, I made it out of-"

"It's not Hanukkah either! ARRRGGGH!!" He locked the door.

Knock, knock!!

_Just ignore them, Roy... _he thought to himself.

Knock, knock!! Knock, knock!! Knock- BAM!! the door bashed in.

Roy was ticked. "You guys are gonna pay for that, you know!"

"Oops, I did it again! I-"

"Brittney Spears is an IDIOT! Come up with something else!!" Roy noticed them huddle in a group, whispering. They turned back around.

"Dance, dance, We're falling apart to half-time. Dance, dance, and these are-"

"Fall out boy is sooo last week!" Mustang could tell the group was getting annoyed. They whipped out the CD player, pressed play and...

"AGGHHH!! MAKE IT STOP!! ANYTHING BUT THE ELEVATOR MUSIC!!!"he screamed in agony. This just encouraged the people. They marched into the room one-by-one, singing completely different songs (except for Hawkeye, she just held the CD player.)

"There's a party in my tummy, SO YUMMY! SO YUMMY!!" went Ed.

"Hey, hey, you, you I don't like your girlfriend!" sang Havoc.

"Fallen angels at my feet, whispered voices at my ear. Death before my eyes, lying next to me I fear," Fuery recited.

"Your beautiful! Your Beautiful! Your Beautiful, it's-"hughes began to sing.

Roy's face was red with anger. "Everybody, OUT!!!" he screamed and held up his glove, fingers about to snap. The group scampered out the door.

Mustang sighed, and rubbed his temples. _That, was torture..."_ he thought.

Knock, knock!!

_Not again..._

SLAM!!! Once again, the door caved in. The colonel slowly turned his head to face the door, and...

"OH MY GOD, IT'S MICHAEL JACKSON!!!!!!"

**FMA!!**

**Ok, that chapter was a lot of fun to write. I loved including that one song from 'Yo, Gabba Gabba!'. It was hilarious. I hope this made up for the past chapter. REVIEW OR I WILL BE FORCED TO EAT MY FINGERS!! Please?**


	8. Questions, questions!

**Ok, about the Michael jackson thing in the last chapter. I totally wrote that the day before he died. OMFG, I think I killed Michael Jackson!!!!!! AGAIN!!! BTW with the writers block: i haven't really been into FMA as much lately, so... yeah. And with the suggestions: still trying to figure out how to use them! Thank you, thank you all my loyal reviewers.... YOU ROCK!! Also, special thanks to Mez10000 for their AWESOME review!!! Great great greatgreat!!! THANX!!!**

101 ways to bug the Colonel

Challenge 7: The TALK

_"Well," Edward said "It's Hughes' turn to do the challenge. Do you have an idea?" Hughes nodded vigoriosly._

_"Oh, yes!! And it includes my most favorite person in the world!!"_

**FMA!!**

The door to the colonel's room (A/N: Yes, his room. This is his house.) opened abruptly, without a knock, or a warning. Mustang sat bolt upright, staring at the door.

"Hughes…" he sighed "What are you doing here this late at night?!" Maes grinned evily.

"But, it's not night. It's MORNING!"

"Yes, but to most sane people, 3 AM is considered night."

"Well, that rules out you then, doesn't it Roy?" he replied, still smiling. Mustang growled angrily (he isn't a morning person).

"What do you want?" the Colonel asked with a sigh, already regretting the question, and dreading the answer.

"Well, Elysia had some questions that need answering that I-well sort of- couldn't reply to, so I came to the wisest person in the entire military, YOU." Hughes said, making elaborite and obnoxious hand gestures as he explained, that Roy Mustang found rather annoying.

"Flattery doesn't get anyone anywhere, Hughes."

"Just answer their questions and I'll be on my way." Mustang sighed for about the umpteenth time that night/morning.

'Alright," he said. "Shoot." Hughes' grin widened.

"But… I think it'll be better if they asked you in person…"

_Oh, this is bad… _Roy thought to himself, not even wanting to know.

"Oh, _Elllyyyysiaaa!_" Maes called out into the hall in a sing-song voice. "Uncle Roy is ready to answer your question!" Elysia walked into the room (rather cutely, might I add).

"Uncle Roy?" she asked.

"What do you want?" he returned, slightly rudely due to his grumpiness.

"Roy!" Hughes gasped. "Don't be mean to poor Elysia!! She's just curious!!" Mustang sighed (again).

"Yes, Elysia?" he asked, nicer, but still throwing death glares at Hughes. Elysia shuffled with her feet.

"Um, well…" she hesitated. "Where do babies come from?" Roy Mustang froze. _Oh, kill me. Kill me now…_

"Um, there's a stork and and it flies and carries the baby and the cabbage patch and… uh… I have no clue."

**Yes, this was a completely random idea I came up with! Weird= Even i think so!! Oh, and, before anyone asks, yes Mustang does NOT know where babies come from! Review review review, or I'll bring back Michael jackson!!**


	9. The Most Epic Authors Note EVER!

**Disclaimer (That I've neglected to mention so far): I Do Not Own Fullmetal Alchemist. If I did, then it would probably turn out like this crappy fic XD**

_

* * *

_

_In a world where i update my stories..._

"Psh!" Edward scoffed. "Like there's any place for that."

_There lies a change that could effect the FMA universe forever (Ok, not really)_

The group huddled together in fear. Above them, the nonexistent clouds rumbled. Blood fell down as rain, washing down the streets, drowning everyone as they went past. The sky became darker than midnight, and the moon crashed down to earth. The dead got up from their graves and walked freely on human soil. Guns shot in all directions. Fire sprang up in all the buildings. The apocolypse came forth on the country of Amestris.

_Haha! Just kidding._

POOF! Everything was better and nothing happened. There was one of those awkward pauses.

"Ok," Mustang said. "That was weird." Suddenly, a letter fell down from the sky and managed to slap the colonel in the face. Don't ask, I don't know.

_Dear Roy, if you think that was bizarre, just wait for the events that will take place later on! MWAHAHAHAHAHA! PS: My brother says to give him back his girlfriend._

_Sincerely, That Little Voice In Your Head_

Everyone peered over the colonel's head to read the letter.

"Does the little voice in your head normally send you letters like this, colonel?" Hawkeye questioned.

"Not normally..." he responded. "And what does it mean? How does it know if even stranger things will happen later on?"

Just then, another letter fell from the sky.

_Dear Roy, Because I said so._

_Sincerely, That Little Voice in Your Head_

The Flame Alchemist twitched. "Show yourself, you coward!" As if in response, lightning flashed and struck the ground just several feet from where Mustang was standing. He jumped to the side in shock. A voice from the clouds boomed.

_"I have no physical being for your world. " It spoke. It's voice was female, and young sounding. Maybe in it's early teens. "I speak from another place. One close, but yet so far from this universe."_

"How is that possible?" Edward yelled out, speaking to the sky. "Where exactly are you?"

_"I am on the border between your world and the world beyond. You people might call it 'The Gate'. But from where I come from, we call it 'The Fourth Wall'"._

"'The Fourth Wall'?" The many questioned in unison.

"The Gate?" The Elric brothers cried simultaneously. "Does that mean you're the truth?"

_"Hell no!" The voice cackled. "I'm what the people beyond call 'The Author'! I control everything that happens where you are."_

The group was shocked.

"Impossible!" Hughes called upward, dubiously. "There's no way-"

_Roy Mustang gets soaked by a tiny rain cloud._

FLOOSH! Water flows down on the Colonel, dripping from his ebony locks, and carelessly falling down his severely ticked face. It soaks his gloves, his uniform, and just him in general, rendering the Flame Alchemist useless. Above him, a tiny storm cloud grmbled,

"Ok, I'm convinced!" Hughes proclaimed. "But what are you doing here now? Why have you decided to finally make an appearance at this time?"

_"It's simple, Lieutenant Colonel Hughes." The voice responded boredly. "To let my readers know that my hiatus __**(A/N: Never formally told, but I haven't updated in a year, so...)**__ is over! 101 Ways To Bug the Colonel is back!"_

"No..." the still drenched Mustang murmured in horror. "You mean that 'IT' will continue? They will go back to tormenting and embarrassing me in every way possible again?"

_"Yes."_

"WHY?"

_"Because that's how humans are. They enjoy getting twisted entertainment out of someone else's misery. I believe the correct term is 'schadenfruede' __**(A/N: yes, we are sick, we humans XD)**__."_

There was no response this time. Everyone realised that what this strange entity was saying was true. The Human race is most definetly cruel.

_"Ah, so you've found wisdom in my words. Then I guess my job here is done. Farewell, dear Amestrians. Shall we meet again soon."_

A flash in the sky signaled that the voice, or, The Author, was gone.

"So," Fuery started, "is that it?"

_Roy Mustang is randomly Pimp-Smacked by a complete stranger._

SLAP! Mustang cursed as the figure ran away. The group sweat-dropped. Things were going back to the evil way they were. Finally. They had been bored, ayway.

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**Yes! I'm back! Things are going to be different, and probably more random from here on. You can probably tell from this chapter, since it's longer in comparison to the others. You know, I started this story when I was 11 years old. Now, 2 years later, I'm older, and probably not much wiser. in fact, I think I lost more brain cells. Anyways, 101 Ways to Bug the Colonel is back in business! Leave a request and I might consider doing it, accounting on the quality of the request. Thanks for staying with me, my fans! Arigatou and Sayonara!**

**Review~!**


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